I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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