i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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