My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
