I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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