She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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