Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
