I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
