I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
