New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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