he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize