i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
