Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
