she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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