Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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