All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
