Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
