you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
