'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
