we have pet lesbian snakes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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