My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
