Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
ugly people sure do ruin things
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
