The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
