I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
