Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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