bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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