Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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