apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
