I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
