So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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