i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
