Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
