I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
