I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
