im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
