Need sex. Gaining weight.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
