I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
