His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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