Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
