using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
