I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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