Got a toothbrush?
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
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