i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
