I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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