Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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