Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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