My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize