they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
