I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
