Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
