we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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