How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We are all done wearing pants today
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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