took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
