so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
