Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She needs sedatives and a leash
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
