My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
