When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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