I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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