The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
a search helicopter?!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
