At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
