I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize