I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
