I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
